I have been planning to use this title for a while and ‘Blue Monday’ seemed to be as good a reason as any to use it. The only thing is that I had planned to use it for one reason and the significance of the title has somehow changed meanings in light of recent events.
I haven’t blogged yet in the New Year and was actually planning to kick off my blogging for 2019 on Blue Monday by talking about how this summer my hubby and I travelled to Greece together and as we prepared for that trip, I decided that I did not want to bring even one single piece of black clothing. I attempted to pack only blue or other more colourful options…thus the title ‘Out of the Black & Into the Blue’. The plan was to then share our experiences with you in a series of posts about our travels.
It was a good plan, but things don’t always go as planned.
My Mom passed away on January 10th. I don’t know what I can tell you about it except that she was truly surrounded by family when it happened and if there could be such a thing as a ‘beautiful passing’, then she had one. That may sound crazy, but all of us in the room felt the same way.
I am not ready to get into too much detail about the whole experience at this time, but I can tell you that I NEED to get back to work. I actually started this post on Monday (Blue Monday) but couldn’t bring myself to finish it until today-which is unlike me- especially since it is not a particularly long post. I suppose I could mention that I have found myself to be getting tired more easily than usual, so that may be part of the reason that it has taken me so long.
In the Jewish tradition, when someone passes, the family has a period of ‘shiva’. This is a 7-day period of mourning, beginning after the burial, where mourners sit on low chairs (as a visible display of the way they are feeling) and are visited by those who wish to offer comfort. This period for me was one of ‘suspended reality’ and during this time we were in fact surrounded by family and friends and I am still overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and the kindness of others. The truth is that the kindness and support we received during the shiva experience would be worthy of its own blog post- just not today-because I am not ready yet.
The period of shiva ended for us over the weekend and this week I have been attempting to re-integrate into the usual swing of things. I’ll admit it that has been more difficult that I expected it to be. At times I am fine, while at others I am exhausted and yet at others I am just ‘blah’.
I guess what ‘Out of the Black and into the Blue’ seems to mean for me this week is this:
We are out of that initial period of mourning – the shiva- the black dress that I wore to the funeral and the torn black scarf that I wore around my neck during shiva…and we are going into the blue. I hope that means bluer skies, but I think that it also means that I myself am a little ‘blue’ (possibly more than ‘a little’ whether or not I care to admit it). I am told that this is normal and I am going to accept that, in the same way that I have accepted allowing myself to go to sleep at an inordinately early hour, just because I am so tired for no apparent reason.
With this post I ‘rip off the band aid’ and I rejoin the land of the living. It’s possible (and likely) that I am ripping it off too soon, but I know myself… I need to ‘just get back out there’ because this is what I do. I will get out there, I will do my work and I will do what I need to do. My Mom, of all people, knew and led by example that despite the challenges that life may present, you do what you need to do.
I think I’m going to leave it here for now. I WILL write my happier ‘Out of the Black and Into the Blue’ post about my mission to not pack any black clothing for a two-week trip, but I just won’t write it today…just like I didn’t publish my post on Blue Monday… and I trust that you will all understand and forgive me…because things don’t always go as planned.
What an incredibly touching post. Your sincerity and honesty are admirable. My heart aches for you and I wish you nothing but bluer skies in the future. Sending lots of love
Tanya the loss of a loved one is a roller coaster ride. There are ups,downs, twists and turns and from one who has lost a parent there is no way to know which you will experience. It is a process that you must take and make your own. Accept the tears and anger and every emotion in between, but most of all accept the love that surrounds you. You and only you know what is best for you. Know your readers will be there as you do what you do best! Xoxoxo Brissa
Sending you a much love and light my beautiful friend <3
So sorry for your loss – Thank you for sharing your thoughts – it’s high time we stopped apologizing for sharing our feelings (especially because we don’t want to upset or make others feel uncomfortable) People will be full of suggestions and advise – so here’s mine: do what you need to do, say what you need to say, feel what you need to feel (feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are) and be the things you admired about the person who died! Warmly, Corrie
You know I love you. This post is a beautiful message and I know it was hard to write it. Your reflection on everything will surely help others, no apologies necessary.